MARIE HAS AGING LADY PARTS!! A Must-Read!!!

Much like a 3 day old banana, Peters is turning rapidly right before our eyes. A whole year of her life will have officially passed this coming Tuesday* and she wants you to come bear witness to her impending brown spots. For the evening, Marie will perform a ritualistic Australian dumpster dive for the freshest 'nanas she can find to be paired with some Ben from The Bachelorette wine for a cozy birthday dinner affair.

In addition to paying homage to produce in Marie's favorite shape**, Marie will be whipping up some punkin' ravioli, not only to celebrate her birthday but Randy and Sue's absence due to a mandatory evacuation to Italy.

If you wana bring some yum yums or other foodstuffs in the chosen shape, please feel free (even tho she said don't bring nuffin).

Wine contributions are also welcome but please make sure they hail from vineyards owned by sexy ABC Reality TV stars (I've got the Chaz Bono Burgundy covered).

Please "reply all" if you can attend because email chains give Marie K. Peters a boner

Kacie's Birthday Miracle

I just made Saturday, August 27th awesome. Like, Miracle Whip AWESOME. Keep reading.

Please do me the honor of getting your beach buzz on in celebration of my 47th birthday at Big Dean's in Santa Monica.

10% of the proceeds will go to the Kacie Kane Foundation for the Preservation of Miracle Whip as the Preferred Sandwich Spread, directly assisting thousands of spreadless sandwiches everywhere.

WHILE U MIGHT FIND THE WESTSIDE INCONVENIENT AND ANNOYING, IT'S NOT LIKE IM PINNING YOU DOWN FOR VEGAS, crybabies.

Please wear a desirable fragrance.

There will also be cash prizes.

not really.


**Yes, this is some time away but since all of you are quite attractive and popular with super busy schedules, I thought I'd carve out some time in your diaries before it's too late!

RENEE IS A FREE BIRD

She will be done with the bar exam and will be ready for the next bar exam…HOW YOU MAKE A MOJITO!!? GO.

Come celebrate her short time outta the cell before she gets a job making wayyyy more money than any of us and can no longer be bothered to attend our festive gatherings.

She'd love to see your questionably attractive face in order to rejuvenate her SOUL, so please join her Friday, July 29th at THE FAT DOG since the OBESE FERRET is closed that day.

RSVP, just cuz it feels good.

PRETZEL AND CHEESE LOVE,
KANE

invite others if your heart desires it.

Matty Leaves La Crusty

Lamar, Colorado

4.2 square miles

Population 8,869 + 1!

If he makes it out of there without being tapped to run a meth lab, we will all have something to cheer about.

Yes, our dear Matthew J. Sizemore is leaving La Crescenta, as his face for radio is finally taking him places. 

While we busy ourselves pondering the percentage of Lamar residents that retain their original adult teeth and/or if there is a Starbucks, Matt will be exploiting his talents over the FM frequency while hopefully not exposing himself at his two new hangs: The Stockman's Lounge or The Buzzard's Roost (real places, swear)

...Or he'll be at tractor pulls and Amy Grant concerts.

With an exorbitant amount of DUR* arrests, juvenile delinquency and a Mayor that I swear I know from TO CATCH A PREDATOR, Lamar is lucky to have such a handsome and charismatic young man gracing their airwave. (Especially since as soon as Kobe, Colorado gets funding-- it’s like, CLICK!)

So please join him for an old fashioned house party for an old fashioned ass grabbing that says "hello,"  "goodbye," "Happy Birthday," "Tebow," "Wheeee," "KOBE," "BAH," "BAAAAP" and "Come back soon," because if there is one thing that we all know, it's that SIZE DOES MATTER!

*above driving drunk, the people of Lamar prefer to just drive under restraint.