Laura's Annual 30th Birthday

Hello Friends!

Mark your calendar for the time has come (again) for Laura's Annual 30th Birthday! This year is exceptionally special as we are celebrating the 10th Anniversary of her Annual 30th Birthday.

Since it is a double celebration: Anniversary and Birthday, only an exceptional location for libations will do...so please join us on Saturday, December 18th at the Culver Hotel in Culver City (duh)!

The historic Culver Hotel, said to have been sold to John Wayne by Charlie Chaplin for a dollar, hosted regulars like sexy blokes Frank Sinatra and Ronald Regan back in the day. Judy Garland also loved to get her drink on barside while The Wizard of Oz Munchkins held swingin' 'dwarf sex parties' in the rooms upstairs. And I mean nothing says "Girrll it's your Birthday" like drunken midget romps, right?

So let's make like the Lollipop Guild and follow the yellow brick road to Laura's Annibirthday-O-Debauchery!! Hope you can make it!

- The Management

Marie Says Goodbye (just for a bit!)

G'day all you beauts!

Our fair mate, Marie is bored shitless with this continent and had decided to travel to The Lucky Country and Kiwiville to sunbake and ogle blokes in their budgie smugglers. With this new adventure she may end up as shark bait after 12 too many longnecks but knowing Marie, we're pretty sure she'll be alright!

We dont care if yer busy as a cat burying shit, come to the Golden Gopher for a coldie and a toast before Marie says hooroo! It'll be good onya! Besides, it'll be six months before you get to rage with this bushie again! Right before NBA playoffs to be exact!

She will be accepting prezzies over one million quid* but don't bring her anything she can't pack, cuz that's about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.

See you in the nuddy,

Bindi

*Bindi is full of rubbish - NO GIFTS PLEASE.

Kacie Does Downtown

Hello all you dirty hamsters! Long time no chat. Anyhoo, I'm doing a show this Saturday at The Downtown Comedy Club that is all women comics. They book chicks for the entire month of October since it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Portions of the $$$ from the shows go to Chesticle Cancer Research. The cause is great, my comedy might not be-- but come bring yo buns downtown!

WHAT TIME:
8:00 pm Show

ENTRANCE FEE:
I duno but it goes to a good cause so suck it up!...oh wait, it's 125.05 pesos = US CURRENCY 10 clams.

So come and I'll hug you. Weird right?

besos,
kace

Kacie + Beer = Holy Birthday Matrimony

Old Balls Alert: Kacie Kane

Brought to you by: The Holy Trinity (me + beer + womb exodus).

Come be witness to a forever lasting love in the sacred, Surly Goat.

No, KC won't be wearing white (exposes the bad and the bad) but yes, there will be craft beer and good looking people.

There will be no cake but there will be post ceremony Mexican nom nom at Los Tacos.

Don't miss or you will regret mucho when she gets that call back about being the next BACHELORETTE. Famosa. Si Si.

In lieu of hugs, please bring gifts.

Amor, paz y carnitas (that's Spanish for eat, pray, love)

Kane

*sorry this is early but you ding dongs book early so I thought I'd creep onto your social calendar ASAPendage.

Hey Jerks! CVHS Reunion Time!

Dear Friend/Former Classmate/Guy who ate his boogers/Kid who pantsed me in 12th grade Pre-Algebra,

To read this will only take a minute of your time and no, I won't be asking you to donate money to starving children in Africa (wherever that is). I am merely writing this to say that myself and everyone else I know would REALLY REALLY enjoy seeing your mug at the 10 year reunion. Because I desire to see you, I am reaching out half-heartedly (because wholeheartedly would require things like driving to your house, and that would be weird).

I understand that you may have some reservations regarding attendance. Items such as a) you're broke b) you're balding, c) cellulite is the devil d) you're unemployed, e) you're still eating your boogers, or f) you're still wearing braces. Understandable.

However, it would really mean a lot to me if we could at least share a moment, a beer, a burger, or a booger at the ESPN Zone this July.

If I were dying, it would be such a better excuse to write this, but I'm not. So bear with me. (I am DYING to see your face tho, does that count??)

And look, I know that items above are quite daunting but just remember: we're ALL broke, we're ALL losers, and as for boogers...well that's something you might want to work on.

Are you worried that you are still socially awkward? Well don't be, cause there will be free flowing social lubricants and stimulants (all of the legal variety mind you) to make you feel like a million bucks! Or at least 50?

So scrape your shit together and jump on the train, cuz you just never know who you might "re-meet," who you may meet for the first time, and/or what warm bed you may end up in. THE OPPORTUNITIES ARE ENDLESS!

Be there and be FALCON AWESOME -- or don't, and be a turd.

From the bottom of my butt, cuz it's so much bigger than my heart*,

Kacie Kane

*and yes, I stole that from a greeting card.

TICKETS ON SALE FOR $75 till Sunday!! GET EM WHILE THEYRE CHEAP!!

Be there or be a burrito face.

Look Here! Shiny Object!
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=48636652963


please pass this on and invite others...love to you, my brother.

Kacie Makes a Funny (hopefully more than one)

The Downtown Comedy Club


Hello Pumpkin Muffins!!! OMG I'M GONNA MAKE YOUR DAY! KEEP READING!

It's the most wonderful time of the year again!! Yes, you know what I'm talking about: me, on stage, making fun of YOU. Just KIDDDING! Sorta. 

Anyhoozer, I will be performing at the Downtown Comedy Club Saturday, July 17th in the 9:00pm show. I've got one of the spots before headliner Erik Griffin and this shiz is gonna be off the hizz so I highly recommend you show your face cuz if it's not there it's fair game for fodder!! 

There is a cover charge but I'm not sure how much. So bring cash and hopefully you'll have enough left over for some cheap brewskis and a street dog. And maybe a hooker.

Show up or throw up!!

Wet Ones,
Kane...and Bindi.

Birthday Party for Michelle, Queen of the Galaxy...FOR A DAY

Who seduces an angel? Who strips in space? Who conveys love by hand? Who gives up the pill? Who takes sex to outer space? Who's the girl of the 21st century? Who nearly dies of pleasure?

AND NO, IT’S NOT BARBARELLA! 

IT’S HER ECUADORIAN DOPPELGANGER MICHELLERELLA!! 

That’s who! 

You know who I’m talking about. It’s the space age adventuress whose sex-ploits are among the most bizarre ever seen! 

MICHELLERELLA NARANJO!!

So come see these ‘sploits and have a drink in honor of her 27th year in this universe!!

And you don’t even have to travel to the planet Lythion to do so. Just show up at The Barbarella Bar THIS SATURDAY at 9:30pm for a sexy evening of beer, cocktails and random things probably made out of leather. 

If you don’t come, Michellerella might have to capture you and bust out her favorite torture device: The Excessive (or "Ex-sex-sive") Machine, which kills through sexual pleasure. Just sayin.’

See you there!

GLEE FINALE VIEWAGE

The Funhouse

Come watch this shit. Show starts at 9 but with the Magic of DVR if we start at like 9:30 we can watch it w/out commercials. But since it's fun to bond(age) come over wheneva!! Or like 830 so Ben has time to hit Barry's Bootcamp cuz he's FAT. 

Bring a snack if you want.

The 2nd Annual Meat and Greet, Booze and Schmooze Summer BBQ Bash

June '10
The Funhouse

Dear friends of Kacie, Mike, and Ben,

A riddle: What do you get when a broke joke teller, a starving artist, and a... whatever Ben is, live in a house together for over a year?

Yeah, we don't know either. But hey, it's SUMMER!

Scientists and other smart folks say that summer officially begins on June 20th, but really, that's just when summer is conceived. Give it six days to gestate, percolate, and cogitate and you'll witness the unholy birth of our SECOND ANNUAL MEAT AND GREET, BOOZE AND SCHMOOZE SUMMER BBQ BASH!

After last year's surprisingly large turnout (you love us, you really, really... love our backyard and booze, we know how it is), you might think we're totally crazy to do this again, but "totally crazy" is probably the sweetest thing you've ever called us. So thank you!

If you were here last year, then you know the drill. But if you weren't, then thanks for finally making our friendship Facebook official! We either love having you in our lives or appreciate your willingness to augment our list of "friends" despite only meeting that one time at that one place that seems sorta familiar, but not really. Either way, we kindly request your attendance at our shindig. You won't regret it. Cause you may not remember it.

We'll have the grills going, the booze flowing, music playing and summertime games to entertain in the backyard. The basic food and beverage requirements will be on hand to get the party started, but feel free to bring along anything you'd like to ingest or imbibe to carry us through the lovely summer evening. The party lasts as long as you do! And you last as long as the booze does!

Looking forward to watching you drink us out of house and home!

Love,

The Management

The Edison Downtown cordially invites you to: An Evening with Celine.

Please join us as we celebrate the life and spirit that is Celine. Celine is not just a woman. No, Celine is much, much more. Celine is a scent, a smile, a style. Celine is the way you look at yourself in the mirror after nightful of boning, the way you answer your celly with a simple "hello beautiful." It is the starry night sky after a smog filled sunset, thebear rug you run your toes through in front of a fire, a sizzling bath filled with Epsom salts and hydrogen peroxide and nonetheless, the all encompassing way.

What way you ask? The WAY. Celine is a lifestyle and it can be yours for one night only. Saturday, May 8th you will be presented with the opportunity to dive right in to all that is fruitful, bountiful, unspoiled and (for the most part) sanitary.

A nominal parking fee and the price of adult beverages (depending on your body weight) to thoroughly tenderize will be the only banknotes that this affair demands.

So please join in your Saturday's best and come see what CELINE is all about.
-Management
*for those of you who are retarded, it's Celine's 28th birthday. She's gonna be old balls so let's go drink and look fancy at The Edison. Show up or throw up! 

Bring a snack if you want.

FINALLY! RONA IS CELEBRATIN' THE OL' BIRFDAY! We shall make it NEVERENDING!

Miss Rona Parks will be parking it in the Yamashiro Garden Wednesday, April 21st to celebrate her TWENTY EIFF birfday watching a complimentary screening of THE NEVERENDING STORY (Die unendliche Geschichte).Yes Yamashiro, the "Magical Mountain Palace" screens movies in HD on Wednesday nights.
So we shall DRINK SAKI and EAT SUSHI and WATCH THE NEVERENDING STORY in honor of RRRRRONA'S (roll the R, cuz that's how her mother would say it) BEEDAY and her recent relocation to the proper county!! (jk, she's gonna argue that the OC is wayyyy better...and she can have that cuz it's her BIRFDAY!)

So let us know if you can make it!! Movie starts at 7:00 pm. They have a themed drinky drink and rolly roll with full cocktail and food menu available as well.

*I really wanted to mention that we would toast to the life and hotness of Jonathan Brandis but I just realized he's actually in The NeverEnding Story II so it's not TOTALLY appropriate, but he was still really hot and gone too soon so we can still pour one out for the homie.

So REPLY bitches!!

xo,

Management
Bring a snack if you want.

OSCAR! OSCAR OSCAR!

Because all of my most favorite men in life (Doc, Steve, Alec) are Oscar-related, I couldn't go without celebrating The 82nd Academy Awards.

So please come and make snarky comments about terrible dresses along with drooling over handsome old men (Steve, Alec).

Please bring snackage and boozage if you so desire, because I am brokeskis and can't afford to entertain you in the manner that I would if I had a rich husband.

I do however, have a big TV, decent sized living room and places to shove our cabooses for unobstructed viewing.

Show starts at 5:30 pm but if you like to watch pre-show Red Carpet madness please feel free to show up earlier. Please let me know if you shall attend! I look forward to seeing you!!

Mallory Needs Presents

Our dear Mallory is on her way to being chronologically challenged! And since nothing says HAPPY FLAPJACKIN BIRFDAY, MAL like PacMan, Pool, Bud(light), CASH ONLY and LIVE MUSIC--come see one Kane (Mallory) get OLD while the other Kane (Doc) tears it up on the drums with the hip-happenin' Joe Johnston Blues Band at the WORLD FAMOUS Avignon's.

There will be singing, dancing and horrendous public displays of affection.

So mark this situation in your Filofax for SATURDAY MARCH 6th at 8:00 pm. And don't worry, there are banks and shit across the street when you forget to show up with cash for your juice.

So bring your B-game, brush your teeth and wear your best hat cuz there will be a contest! No prizes of course but DO IT ANYWAYS. Please email someone if you have a question, but do us a favor and make it a good one.

Thanks,Your Mom

"I shop, therefore I am." - Mallory Keaton

"You make everyday feel like kindergarten." - Mallory Knox

My Crackberry Is still drinking on the Lowa East Side

Hey Everyone! I lost my crackberry while in NYC. If you would do me the most humoungous favor and either TEXT me or PIN me that would be amazeballs.

If I never hear from you I'm gonna take it as a sign of hostility and whatever, I didn't want to call you anyways.

so here's my info, plz shoot me a text or pin cuz I have a new crackberry that Asurion Insurance so generously sent to me for less than a quarter of the retail value. 

SO CELEBRATE BY TEXTING: ### ### #### 
OR PINNING: #######

OR BOTH.

LOVE YOU LIKE MORE THAN A SIBLING, THANKS ! KANE.

Mike is NOT singing the blues even though he's gonna be Old Balls!

So you may know him as that guy from WHEEL OF FORTUNE, but we know him as that gin-loving karaokeaholic who is it turning 30 against his will.YES, Mike/Michael/Van Waes/VDubs/MJVW/Cracker is turning the BIG TREINTA at LITTLE BAR Monday night! What better way to celebrate than by coming to help him sing (if that's what you call it) his twenties away with some radical jams.

Little Bar, inspired by an East Coast pub in New Haven Connecticut is the most appropriate venue as Van Waes was CONCEIVED IN an East Coast pub, IN New Haven Connecticut! What a coinkydink!

So bring your best lookin selves and some CHA CHING to get the party started. Be sure to select LADY GAGA when possible and if not, anything by Rob Thomas will do cuz if you know Van Waes...you know dis is...DA TRUF!

Now get your saggy and sorry post-Valentine's Day ass to Little Bar and please let it not take a miracle for you to show up on the mile. You can come brighten your spirits with a kiss from Van Waes and a little "I Want to Know What Love Is."

And just remember: Only YOU and FOREIGNER can help Van Waes make this the most excellent womb exodus ever!

Lovely Gay Dude Gets Harrased by Atrocious Women

A viewing party for gawd awful reality programming

So this show is fantastic because there are so many awful broads, we all can watch and feel amazing about ourselves.It's too funny to watch alone that's why I thought I'd invite you broads to come watch!

Unfortunately CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE is not currently scheduled, but maybe after watching Jake turn red from sexual innuendos, we can watch a rerun of TOUGH LOVE and ride out the FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES kick. I'm broke. Pretty much think we all are, so if you feel like bringing booze, snacks or your dinner, feel free. I'll have a snack or two to share.

Thanks to Ben, we have a big ass TV to watch all the big whorey asses.

Thanks to Mike who has taken an interest in furniture rearrangement we have lots of places to sit.
Let me know if youre in! Show starts at 8:00 pm!